A former professor of mine had asked our class if we knew how a mirror was made. There were a couple of students with smart answers, none the correct answer. I didn’t know. I don’t pretend to know anything. Sometimes, you keep your mouth shut, and your face blank and other times, your brow furrows and your mouth agape gives you away. He told us to think of what broken mirrors looked like or what water weathered mirrors looked like. Well, if you did not know, a mirror is just layers of glass with a base of black to reflect your image instead of seeing right through it like a window.
I think of everyone in our lives like mirrors, layers of glass letting us see exactly who we are. Think of anyone in your life and why they are and how they are your mirror image. I have spent a lot of my life wondering the lessons I must learn through the people in my life. I have spent a lot of time separating myself from mirrors I find all too disappointing to match myself. Truth be told, I am not perfect, no one is. Mirrors are not impermeable, glass is in fact, quite a delicate material.
We work in patterns and cycles and eventually we are expected to fulfill a set of behaviors. I expect what I give and therein lies my issues with the people I surround myself with. Again, I am not perfect but I try to exceed my own expectation of myself and not for the sake of myself but for the sake of others. Someone once told me that I don’t ask for a whole lot but that I demand it. My retort was that if I give a lot and never ask for a lot that when I do ask for something, it shouldn’t be an issue to expect less than I have given. Still following?
I read somewhere that the greatest injustice psychoanalysis has given its patients is the confusion between a right to your feelings and a right to being an asshole. How does one learn to live without expectation? I have ended many friendships and relationships where I could not let go of past pain and disappointment and now it is my goal to only appreciate what I am given and stop hurting over whats not there. I cannot be an asshole just because I have a right to be.
Recently, an old friend of mine wrote me, confused as to why I have decided to withhold my friendship. I thanked them for their friendship and let them know if they needed me that I’d be there but that I could no longer oblige someone to be better just because of what I am willing to do for them. What I do has always been my choice. What I give has always been my downfall.
This year, life, love, money, health and this city has chewed me up and spit me out. It is time that I make real changes. I spend more money on people than I do on myself. I spend more time worrying about others. I spend more time doing selfless favors for others and the mirror is not matching.
This may not make any more sense but I needed to write this down as a contract to myself to really make a change. I must expect the most of myself in a way that benefits me. I must not expect anything from anyone. I must be happy to receive any kindness and support. I am already on the right path with my health. I am already on the right path with the company I keep. It is about time I take over this world and let the world mirror me sans expectation.